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SENSATIONAL HEADLINE GARNERS ATTENTION!!!

Writing for a newspaper, you keep strict guidelines on what you right about. Even as a columnist, you’re not allowed to spread gossip or back up your argument with hearsay. Like, did you guys hear that Obama is an illegal alien? No, like an Extra Terrestrial alien, straight from Jupiter. He crash-landed here in 2006. After two years, he successfully took over AMERICA!!

The truth is, the truth is boring. What is exciting is sensation. Oh, you’re girlfriend broke up with you? Yaaaaaaaaawn! How about, your girlfriend cheated on you with your half-brother, so then you committed a brutal double homicide?

What is worse, now, is that what we think is sensational is not. At least fifty years ago, reporters squawked about murders and embezzlement scams, but now all that’s kept hush-hush. Now, the government’s part of the game, with all the Aces up its sleeve, so we shout new sensations like…

MILEY CYRUS SHOWS CLEAVAGE

like…

LADY GAGA EATS A BURGER KING WHOPPER!! GAINS 1/2 POUND!

like…

THE SECRETS TO WINNING SCRABBLE

We cop out to sensationalism, but we can’t even do it right. I use this notion when creating names for poems. Names like…

Skinny Dipping with Strangers

Sexting While Driving

Anything to render a reader’s attention, or that of a listener. We use flashiness, though, to hide that there may not be real stories. We ignore the real to highlight the trivial. Like… the innovation of new ketchup packages…

Shopping habits of frugal buyers.

Listen, if you want to me to listen, give me a serial killer, give me a historical building being blown apart, give me a mob war… surely the most interesting news we have to offer isn’t that Ashton Kutcher is now part of Two and a Half Men.

ALL CAPS IN BOLD HOLDS GREAT POWER.

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