My dad loves Sci-fi. I mean, he loves Star Trek and 3-hour films about the dangers of mountain Yetti. Once, we watched some made-for-Tv movie about giant tarantulas who took over a city: result became plastic spiders dangling on strings above Playmobile houses. Needless to say, these sorts of knock-off movies are lacking in budget and creativity, but they’re not the only ones spitting out clone movies. Cowboys and Aliens opens this weekend and to celebrate its uniqueness and apparent coolness, I’d like to look back at the basic synopsis for every single alien movie ever made.
Synopsis for Every single Alien Movie Ever Made
Enter B-list actor, sleeping calmly in bed. He wakes up and looks forlornly out his front door at his super hot neighbor whom he never told he loved. If only the world were about to end, he would… wait! ALIENS! There are alien spaceships in the sky! No, seriously, why is everyone just standing around looking up? At this point, find some disused war bunker and collect as many Ravioli cans as possible.
At first, spaceships sort of chill out in the sky, giving the government plenty of opportunity to blow them up. Of course, no one wants to kill lovely aliens, so instead they try to make contact. And that’s when smaller spaceships branch out and destroy buildings. But mind you, only in New York or Chicago or London. If you don’t live in a metropolis, you will not face any sort of alien attack and can instead watch harried news reports on television. Despite the world being taken over by aliens, announcers will continue to announce things until they are killed on live television. Or until broadcasts go down.
A select few brave people will band together to fight back. When finally the aliens emerge, they’ll either look like creepy, slimy bugs or just look like rock stars from the Eighties. The aliens will fight against the humans, and the humans will use big guns. The aliens will not return to their impenetrable spaceships to finish off the humans. Instead, they’ll engage in unfair combat and lose because of some abstract notion called “the human spirit.” Either that, or Mel Gibson will throw dirty tap water in the alien’s faces.
Then, the human race will try to reform and will not learn ANYTHING from almost being killed off by aliens. instead, they’ll continue to lie and exploit each other!
Also, B-list actor will score with his neighbor, just because, when going extinct, the best thing the human race can think to do is hook up.
Cowboys and Aliens is in theatre this weekend.