How To Pick Up Women (According to Edward Cullen)

Last year, when Harry Potter ended for good, I cried. I wanted to throw a party to say good bye.

This year, I’d also like to throw a goodbye book series party for a different reason. Soon ends the reign of Twilight! It signifies a very

Oh, that "stalker face" just SCREAMS sexy.

dark time in our literary history. But I admit, I read the series. I mean, the entire series. When people ask why, I tell them it’s unfair to judge something unless you actually read it. That, however, was only half the story. Here is the real reason that literary snob Derek Berry read the Twilight series over the course of one week during the summer…

It was the summer before high school, and my short-term girlfriend had just broken up with me. In true middle-grade fashion, I was crushed and cruxed. The reason she cited was that I “was nothing like Edward Cullen” and she “wanted a boy more like Edward Cullen.” So, I sat thinking, who the hell is this Edward Cullen guy? And what does he have that I don’t.

A quick Google search later… This joker had an entire fan base who worshiped him. At this time, if you asked any 13 year old girl who they wanted to marry, it was Edward Cullen. Mind you, this was before girls became obsessed with Jacob Black. Girls wanted a vampire boyfriend:  pale hairy guys were in vogue. Maybe, I figured, I stood a chance.

So I began researching this sketchy Cullen character starting with the books. Eventually, I could not read anymore, so I just rented the audio books from the library. Stilted prose and awkward syntax put me to sleep every night for a week. I swear, it works.

Now, if I had known that this ex merely meant that she “wanted a guy with abs,” I would not have bothered to continue to read the sequel. But I had to. Because the Cullen kid in the first book was too creepy for any guy to like. “Really?” I asked myself. Girls want THAT?

I finished reading the series, even the last book where there’s something about a monster baby and then the worst anti-climax ever. Seriously, I had read all of these horrible books and then they were going to have this awesome vampire fight. Awesome, right? No, it actually didn’t even happen. They “talked it over” instead. Yeah, I know I should have expected lameness, but Meyers shot herself in the foot with THAT series finale. Honestly, it was worse even than the series finale of LOST.

So, I read every one of these horrid novels and then thought, “Okay, this is simple. This is how I get girls.”

Getting girls is easy, I discovered.

Simply sneak into their house to watch them while they sleep.

Constantly put the girl in danger so you can save her.

Run ice all over your skin; girls are turned on by cold-to-the-touch skin.

Creepily stare at your crush: ALL. THE. TIME.

Tell her you try so hard not to kill her. Dude, girls eat this stuff UP.

If all else fails, turn her into a vampire. Just make sure your crush is super boring and needs to be constantly saved. Her favorite pastime should just be cooking or cleaning or reading, all those things women are supposed to do.

I want to make a larger point that confessing that I read the Twilight series. I mean, even small books that are honestly… well, not good- they can have a huge impact on your life. I didn’t have a date for months as a consequence to this botched reading experience.

Every story makes a difference.


4 thoughts on “How To Pick Up Women (According to Edward Cullen)

    1. Oh, right. that’s going to be a lot harder to pull off. But I have been taking ice baths and powdering my chest for extra whiteness (I even sprinkled a bit of glitter on me too).

  1. Oh Lord, please tell me I wasn’t one of those twisted teen girls way, way back when… Who am I kidding, I probably was. Hormones and peer pressure are dangerous things to mess around with, Derek. Keep your distance. I’m concerned about your safety!

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