Mustaches Win Elections

The 2012 election, though still a year away, already consumes the headlines. But for how long can the media keep us interested in a

If only... she might actually win.

clash of two parties, both failing miserably?
The inherent problem here is that the public is becoming bored with the current presidential candidates. We need someone new, even if we don’t expect them to win. To watch debates between Barack Obama and Mitchell Romney for the next twelve months would be the suicide of our media-consuming self-interest. Not that both candidates are bad, but definitely, both are boring. Both speak with quiet, dry voices—controlled pragmatic politicians.
While I might someone pragmatic and controlled as president, I sure do not want one for a presidential candidate. Sarah Palin, a major header of the American Tea Party, recently announced that she would be bowing out of the 2012 race. Though not a fan of Palin for president, I would have enjoyed her candidacy antics. Who doesn’t love the phrases that that Alaskan hockey mom coins? But now, the race is frighteningly deficient of crazy. With two reasonable candidates who will likely lead the Republican and Democratic primaries, who is there left to make fun of?
Every election requires a dark horse—if not that, then a stupefying, gaudy unicorn. Someone with a unique voice, even if that voice is spewing conspiracy theories about redirecting education funds in an effort to excavate Atlantis and about how Barack Obama illegally immigrated to America from Jupiter. What we need is someone potentially insane to pit against Mitchell Romney—a Republican Battle Royal.
We had Donald Trump for a few weeks, though he quickly gave up after being booed for wanting to destroy every other country on Earth. Fun, possibly unstable candidates like him—that’s what I’m looking for.
Of course, Romney is likely to win, but if the race for the primaries is already over, that means that the media will have to crank out more stories about the secrets to playing Scrabble and household tips to clean your bathroom floor tiles. Use ammonia mixed with plain white vinegar, if you’re interested in knowing how and perhaps stumbled onto this blog looking for such information.

Now that Sarah Palin has given up on being our make-fun-of-Republican-candidate-who-will-eventually-lose-the-race-and-be-promptly-forgotten, the public needs someone new. Who, though, will step up to the plate? Maybe Idaho Governor Butch Otter might run, toting his vast expertise as a hunter to support gun rights?
My suggestion, however, is Giovanni Dominice, an American who won first prize for the best Imperial Mustache in the World Beard Championships. If there is any man I cannot help by deeply respect, it is a man with a really cool mustache. His campaign starts officially… right now. So construct some homemade pickets and begin fighting for a president who can grow decent facial hair.

Now... THAT is what I am talking about!

                                                                                                            Dominice for President!


4 thoughts on “Mustaches Win Elections

  1. Derek, you speak to what politics have become–a magic show. The magician with the most pizzazz wins. We don’t want to understand the complexities of our problems or even to know that the candidates understand the complexities of our problems. We want show-people, “celebs.”

    Democracy is becoming a fairy tale…just a story we tell to our children and ourselves. It’s hard to be an analytical, critical thinker AND stomach what’s happening in the socioeconomic-geo-political landscape.

    I think I’m going to go clean out my car and feel like I’m making a difference…

  2. You know, he was telling me about this the other day–when we were shopping for Mongolian lamb wool pillows…and now as I’ve read it, I can’t help but say: Derek Berry, I expected better from you.

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