Open Letter to All Magazine/Newspaper Editors

Dear “Whomever it may concern”:

Although I know that “in this current economy,” the printed medium is losing face and money and prominence, I assure you that you need to hire me. No matter what your publication is interested in, I am sure I could be a great fit to your standards. Even if your magazine is about knitting patterns or cats, I’ll write for you, just please, I’d like a writing job.

I know I don’t even have a degree in Journalism or in English, but that fact should just be the first shred of proof that I am capable of making good decisions. My off-the-wall writing and taboo topics could fit perfectly into the centerfold of any family or pornography magazine. It doesn’t matter who you are, as long as I get to put my name on glossy pages.

Here is my resume (complete with original artwork) which might sway you:

Two-time champion narwhal-wrestler

Writes a hilarious blog that makes people laugh

Is a boyscout and can tie knots (which may come in handy)

Can sing reasonably okay if you’re tone deaf in more than one ear

Knows many big words and can use thesaurus if more big words are needed

Can speak German (or at least get by)

Also writes poetry, and poets are just fun to have around

Seriously, I can tie SEVEN different knots

Just give me a chance, knitting/cat/boating/household/dirty magazine. I’ll write you up a windstorm of good stories. Just pay me for it.


A Writer and Blogger


About Derek Berry

Derek Berry is a novelist and spoken word poet. Derek is the author of Heathens and Liars of Lickskillet County (PRA Publishing, 2016). He co-founded and organizes The Unspoken Word, a literary non-profit based out of Charleston, SC, which provides an intendent home for the poetic arts through regular readings, workshops, and community fundraisers. He is on the Executive Board of the Charleston Poetry Festival, the inaugural production of which will be Fall 2017. His work has appeared in The Southern Tablet, Cattywampus, Charleston Currents, Illuminations, RiverSedge, and other journals.He has performed in venues across the United States and Germany. He has worked as a photographer’s assistant, busboy, and bookseller. He currently works at a curation facility for Cold War History.

Posted on October 14, 2011, in Blogging, career, Cool Posts, Derek, Education, News, publishing, writer, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I’d hire you. But I don’t have a magazine. If thoughts count, you’re hired. If they don’t, then I don’t think any of us are even here… So that means you’ve got a job! Just not salary, title, or place to go. Talk about job flexibility!

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