How To Make Life Infinitely Better

1.) Put frosting on both sides of Frosted Mini Wheats

The benefits of this are obvious. Instead of one awesome side, one boring side of a cereal, you now have two awesome sides.

2.) Force Oprah to perform ballet

The problem I have with Oprah is that she has long overstayed her welcome. People maybe back in the 1600’s were entertained by her show, but I can say that I was secretly glad that her gift-giving heartbreaking-story-factory of a show ended. Unfortunately for us who are not crazed suburban moms, she then proceeded to begin her own channel. Called OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network. There’s nothing more the world could have not needed.

How do we get rid of this overly generous monstrosity?

Simple. Force her into ballet tights. Only the most graceful and slim women can pull off ballet. Otherwise, you look ridiculous. I look ridiculous too in ballet tights. Maybe because they only make them in small, extra-small, and uber-small. So squeeze Oprah Winfrey into those tights, and… viola… embarrassment that will incite her to quit TV forever.

Imagine dear Oprah turning arabesques on a talk show, ungracefully toppling off the stage in the attempt. It would be devastating for anyone, but even more so for this woman. And then we would get rid of her.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t hate Oprah. I just dislike her constant presence on television. She has survived far longer than necessary. Only because she likes giving things away and telling us insanely sad stories? Well, yes. That’s the only reason why. And it’s not that she personally bothers me, but I can still find it quite annoying, can’t I?

So, those are my two foolproof methods to improve life. Commence!

Oprah Winfrey hears about Derek’s blog and sucks him into an alternative universe where every channel is OWN.

GAME OVER!

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About Derek Berry

Derek Berry is a novelist and spoken word poet. Derek is the author of Heathens and Liars of Lickskillet County (PRA Publishing, 2016). He co-founded and organizes The Unspoken Word, a literary non-profit based out of Charleston, SC, which provides an intendent home for the poetic arts through regular readings, workshops, and community fundraisers. He is on the Executive Board of the Charleston Poetry Festival, the inaugural production of which will be Fall 2017. His work has appeared in The Southern Tablet, Cattywampus, Charleston Currents, Illuminations, RiverSedge, and other journals.He has performed in venues across the United States and Germany. He has worked as a photographer’s assistant, busboy, and bookseller. He currently works at a curation facility for Cold War History.

Posted on December 21, 2011, in Blogging, Writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Ah, here’s a conundrum for you. Oprah name’s Derek’s book as one of her picks in Oprah’s Book Club…

  1. Pingback: I’m not a Grammar Nazi. I’m a Grammar Enthusiast « Word Salad

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