Opening the internet, Derek is surprised at its swiftness. It used to be that computers opening through dial-up took twenty minutes and all manner of screeches, beeps, and buzzers. Once online, Derek floated through cyberspace, racing along highways of compiled data on those cool, flashy Tron bikes. He stops off at Facebook so he can contact someone and have some company. Maybe some good ole Mario Kart will ensue. Or an impromptu poetry session.
But then Derek begins to choke on his own tongue, his eyes popping cartoon-ishly out of his head in alarm. Facebook has changed its format once again, but this time, for real. Facebook Timeline has begun.
The Facebook Timeline feature allows viewers to scroll back on your profile until… well, birth. Sort of like a digital biography.
Every bad picture, every ill-advised relationship, every bad decision status… cataloged on Facebook for our curious children to find one day. And laugh at.
There are some cool features, like the ability to extensively review the friendships between different people. Which makes FB creepin’ that much easier. And also, you get two profile pictures. One of you and one giant awesome one.
But as Derek contemplated this, he realized something. Back in 2007, there were certain statuses. Horrible statuses from the TOTES phrase of his life where numbers replace letters and abbreviations rule. All of these atrocious, embarrassing statuses were laid out for all to see. What would Derek do know? Go on a rant about grammar or just delete his Facebook altogether?