Resume For A Job You Don’t Want

Education

2005                        B.A. in Art History, Phoenix University

2006                         A Week of Yoga Classes

Perfected the “breathing position”

Job Experience

June 2005- August 2005                              Entrepreneur

Operated and financed a local-run Lemonade Stand

  • Manufactured lemonade
  • Sold lemonade
  • Hand-painted signs

November 2010-February 2011                   Beer Brewer

Operated homemade brewery

  • Manufactured Eagle Tears Brew beer, an All-American corporation
  • Financed beer brewery from parents’ basement
  • Did I mention it’s made of Eagle Tears?

March 2011-Present                                            Couch Model

Volunteers at local Rent-a-Room modeling furniture

  • Displays how one might look laying, sitting, sleeping, standing, or dancing on couches
  • Acts out daily functions of potential couch users
  • Test-runs furniture to insure safety about damage, bullet holes, wine spills, etc.

Related Experience

September 2005-October 2010                       Sociological Research

Lived as “homeless” and “impoverished” as well as “unemployed” for sake of personal sociological research

  • Life experience
  • Educated in the “University of Harde Knocks”
  • Can carve weapons from nearly any piece of trash
  • Expert scavenger

March 1997                                                                 Grew Beard

First person in Freshman class of high school to grow facial hair

Talents

Burps ABC’s

  • Once performed for Mrs. Harris’ first grade class during recess

Can Beat Mario World 3 in Less than a Day

  • For reference, call Tommy Hulligan. He didn’t think I could do it.
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About Derek Berry

Derek Berry is a novelist and spoken word poet. Derek is the author of Heathens and Liars of Lickskillet County (PRA Publishing, 2016). He co-founded and organizes The Unspoken Word, a literary non-profit based out of Charleston, SC, which provides an intendent home for the poetic arts through regular readings, workshops, and community fundraisers. He is on the Executive Board of the Charleston Poetry Festival, the inaugural production of which will be Fall 2017. His work has appeared in The Southern Tablet, Cattywampus, Charleston Currents, Illuminations, RiverSedge, and other journals.He has performed in venues across the United States and Germany. He has worked as a photographer’s assistant, busboy, and bookseller. He currently works at a curation facility for Cold War History.

Posted on November 12, 2012, in Blogging, books, College, Controversy, Humor, Random, Video Games, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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