Resume For A Job You Don’t Want

Education

2005                        B.A. in Art History, Phoenix University

2006                         A Week of Yoga Classes

Perfected the “breathing position”

Job Experience

June 2005- August 2005                              Entrepreneur

Operated and financed a local-run Lemonade Stand

  • Manufactured lemonade
  • Sold lemonade
  • Hand-painted signs

November 2010-February 2011                   Beer Brewer

Operated homemade brewery

  • Manufactured Eagle Tears Brew beer, an All-American corporation
  • Financed beer brewery from parents’ basement
  • Did I mention it’s made of Eagle Tears?

March 2011-Present                                            Couch Model

Volunteers at local Rent-a-Room modeling furniture

  • Displays how one might look laying, sitting, sleeping, standing, or dancing on couches
  • Acts out daily functions of potential couch users
  • Test-runs furniture to insure safety about damage, bullet holes, wine spills, etc.

Related Experience

September 2005-October 2010                       Sociological Research

Lived as “homeless” and “impoverished” as well as “unemployed” for sake of personal sociological research

  • Life experience
  • Educated in the “University of Harde Knocks”
  • Can carve weapons from nearly any piece of trash
  • Expert scavenger

March 1997                                                                 Grew Beard

First person in Freshman class of high school to grow facial hair

Talents

Burps ABC’s

  • Once performed for Mrs. Harris’ first grade class during recess

Can Beat Mario World 3 in Less than a Day

  • For reference, call Tommy Hulligan. He didn’t think I could do it.

About derekberry

Derek Berry is a novelist, poet, and student located in Charleston, SC.

Posted on November 12, 2012, in Blogging, books, College, Controversy, Humor, Random, Video Games, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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