Day One, we will murder your family and our hard-nailed therapists will taunt your depression until it blooms into creative writerly genius.
Day Two, we’ll practice your interviewing skills. Everyone knows selling novels relies on marketing them, so before you ever put pen to paper, make sure to know what to say to Oprah when she asked you about your process or the themes relevant to your work. You can bravely nod into the camera, sharing encouraging advice to aspiring writers.
Day Three, we begin the brain-storming process by placing you alone in a room with a hole in the ground, and you’ll be administered morphine, and you must commit a full 24 hours to smashing a typewriter with delusional prose. Whatever drugs you need, we’ll provide them, because as we all know, the more cryptic the masterpiece, the more papers will be written about it. Professors centuries from now will pick apart your sentences and discover meaning because, well, your subconscious or something.
Day Four, we take away the booze and drugs and morphine drip, forcing you to go into immediate and dramatic withdrawal. Every writer must kick his addiction and slough through Hell for the sake of “experience,” so we’ll send you back at work for the last half of the day so that they fire your ass for barfing on the floor after being absent for three and half days.
Day Five, we put you back in the room while you wallow in self-pity through the typewriter which has become a defunct organ of your soul. Today, you finish your masterpiece with beautiful obscurity.
Day Six, we use half of the tuition for this crash course to self-publish your book, and each of you will receive one copy. We will hold a party to allow everyone to indulge in vice’s and give them the opportunity to sign up for Spiritual Journeys for Aspiring Writers: How To Crank Out a Sequel.
Life As a Writer in a Week retains all future publishing rights and will not refund your tuition if you drop the class early. Please remember our company is not responsible for any loss of life, loss of occupation, depression, drug addiction, or fetish erotica that may have spawned from the program.