140-Character Musings On the First Harry Potter Movie

Whoa! SOMEONE is pretty good at whittling.

I sat down tonight to watch the first Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone because well, I don’t really have work tomorrow, so why not? I meant to watch the other movies and tweet about them as well, but I soon grew tired. Pretty soon, I shall enter the land of Nod but not before sharing these thoughts on the movies, which I announced to the world via tweets!

Watching a #harrypottermarathon Gonna tweet all night about this. Starting with Sorcerer’s Stone. #whydowizardsweartophats?

Is the actor for Olivander the same actor as for the final two movies?#harrypottertriva #harrypottermarathon

Harry Potter’s face when he gets an owl for his b-day from an umbrella-wielding giant: priceless #whydidyougetmeanowl#harrypottermarathon

When Harry needs to talk to Dumbledore so badly, why doesn’t he just use the card from a Choc0late Frog box? #harrypottermarathon

Why did they stop making Bertie Bot’s? Flavors like acid, centipede, earwax, glue, latex, mucous, rotten egg, soap, sulphur, Worcestershire.

Flavors that make Bertie Bot’s worth it: bacon, chicken, cough medicine, pasta, menthol, shampoo. Oh and banana. I like banana.#harrypotter

When Nearly-Headless Nick shows the place where his neck separates: my first experience with gore as a child.#harrypottermarathon

Whoa, almost thought the flying teacher at Hogwarts was Jane Lynch. Craziness. #harrypottermarathon

“We’re on the third floor where we might die immediately. Oh, no! Filch’s Cat!! Let’s risk death, cool?” #Hogwartsfreshmenprobz

Oliver Wood wears a turtle neck. You know it’s freezing in England when everyone wears thick sweaters under their robes. #Britishprobz

During Harry’s first Quidditch game, he just sits watchimg the game until the other seeker finds the Snitch, then goes to catch it. #lazy

Invisibility cloak: best christmas present ever! #swag

Snape: A student is out of bed? TO THE BATCAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!#harrypottermarathon

What if you saw someone naked in the mirror or Erised? That would be so awkward. #harrypotter

Detention? Oh no, we have to search out unicorns in the awesome dark forest! #bestdetentionever # harrypotter

Survives a giant dog, killer chess, and strangling vones. Ghost of voldemort knocks him out for a week. # harrypotterprobz


Maybe I went overboard and annoyed everyone who follows me, but I hope I shed some philosophical light on one of the most culturally significant films of our time. Follow me if you like updates about Harry Potter far too often: https://twitter.com/#!/TheSavagePen


A Poet By Any Other Name?

Some poets are named BARDS. Some are named POLAR BEAR. That’s right. There’s a British poet named Polar Bear and he’s pretty good. But what’s in a name? My poet-friend’s poet name happens to be Catherine the Great. What do you think of that? I’m a bit scared to throw on any sort of adjective after my own name, especially not one like Great. Her son’s poet name is Josh the Awesome (this kid is ten and already killin’ it. I guess I’ve got serious competition in the young poet department).

So, should I have a poet name and what should it be?

Derek the Dork?

At readings, I generally put down random names. It’s not that I don’t like my name. It’s great as an author name, but there is something cool about having a special poet name. I mean, what if people referred to you as Polar Bear? How FRICKIN’ COOL. At open mics, I would call myself the “Metaphor Magician” or “Derek Calypso Natural Lemonade Berry.” Sometimes, I’d put rude names that were a lot of fun to hear spoken aloud such as Seymour Buttes or Mike Hawksmall.

But I have gotten over these petty pranks and decided to create a real poet name. A stage handle. Why? Because it’s fun! Though, I’m sure not everyone agrees. Hear what poet and rapper George Watsky has to say about it:

So, before the weekend is out, I will announce my all new POET NAME! I’m still trying to decide. Also, I’ve been sending off my poems. Should I place my stage name or real name along with the poems? Just wondering.

If you have any suggestions for a cool name (keep in mind my work), please share!

Failing Math? On the Bright Side…

Like most writers, I am terrible at math. I am so bad at calculus, that I have the makings to be a grand and famous writer. Because any writer worth his merit is terrible at math.

There must be, then, some sort of graphical correlation between math ineptitude and literary excellence. If we created a scatter plot where the X value represented how poorly you marked on your last math test and the Y axis represented the gauge for storytelling skill, would the graph show such a relation?


The great thing about being a writer, though, is that you don’t become one because you couldn’t become a doctor. Well, maybe you really could not have. But that’s no reason to be a writer. Why a writer? In fact, a lot of professions begin because people cannot make it as a writer. Like many plumbers and coffee baristas I know.

If ever you feel strange and isolated from normal society, bear in mind you might, like me, possess commonalities with stereotypes often appropriated to writers.

Which, of course, means you will probably write a book some day. Just sit down and type it on out. Get published and become famous. Sort of like Henry Miller, sans the STD’s, opium, and incest.

The next time you fail to find the square root of X, you can tell your professor that the square root of evil is calculus. And

that mathematics solves nothing, really, but things we already know the answer to. I know that, because the answers are always in the back of the book. And the professors of mathematics… well, they’re just an imaginary root squared– their solution is to just make everything negative.

You may also become a brilliant writer if you drink coffee (tea is also acceptable, depending on your proximity from the British Isles).
Also, writers are apparently super anal about grammar. So if you are a member of the Grammar-reich, fear not! Naturally, you’ll be a writing.If you get writer’s block, you become verified as a bond-a-fide writer. You can, therefore, call yourself a writer without ever writing anything. It’s called “chronic writer’s block.” Just be ready to speak abstractly about the great works you’d like to create, but cannot because of your malignant disease.

And according to common stereotypes, if you cannot get a job… you can always just be a writer.

Well, even if you experience any of these bad symptoms, you can probably become a writer!

Review: Misfits, Series 1

Misfits, a British show from E4, was recently released on Hulu. I sat down to watch one episode and ended up sitting through the night watching them all.

After a freak storm, five delinquent teenagers are gifted with extraordinary  powers and not a lick of morality to use them for good.

Unlike most shows concerning superheroes, Misfits does not take itself seriously. Its protagonists are typically antisocial and extremely crude. A band of antiheroes, in the midst of humdrum community service, is given special super powers during a mysterious lightning storm and then find that others have also been affected by the storm. Their “parole officer” is also struck by lightning, therefore becoming a bloodthirsty killer. After he attacks, the delinquents  accidentally kill him and must bury his body.

The show spirals out of control after that pilot episode, visiting the realm of hot grannies and Puritan mind control. The kids soon find that there are several others who also have powers, affected by the storm. Their own powers are shaky and untuned: Alisha can incite lust with touch, Kurtis can turn back time, Simon can turn invisible, Kelly can read minds, and Nathan… well, Nathan isn’t sure he even has a cool power like the rest of them.

The standout star of this British series is Robert Sheehan who brings an insincere and hilarious tone to the odd happenings. There is a subtle social commentary going on beneath all the expletives and nudity and weird-out humor- there is also something refreshingly real. The characters do not try too hard to garner sympathy from viewers, taking part in acts of vandalism and, of course, drug and alcohol abuse. But beneath constant bickering and pseudo-horrendous crimes, they carry the strangeness of youth. Confronted with new opportunities, they don’t know what to now do. That’s exactly how all youths feel, honestly.

It’s crude and rude and definitely faux pas, but we need crudeness in our lives. It’s the rawest form of honesty. If you don’t talk about the creepy possibilities of turning yourself invisible, you’ve left out a key aspect of invisibility. Given these powers, would we not exploit them? Would we not turn invisible to rob a bank or listen in on others’ thoughts for a better test grade?

If you need something revolting yet heartwarming in your life, Misfits will fill that void. It has an odd way of uplifting you by condescending to your level, by exploring strange, dark, gross-out sections of our humanity. Basically, Britain.

Misfits aired originally on E4, but now can be found both on Hulu and Youtube. Season 2 has also already been released. I can promise that both seasons, comprising together of 13 episodes, are well worth the watch.

There will be a third season, coming soon.

What sort of crude, but funny and emotional shows do you indulge in?