5 Stupid Things Teenagers Do (And Adults Are At Fault)

Kids today are just so darn stupid. They don’t have the common sense that their grandparents had back when they walked to school up hill both ways. Barefoot. Five miles. You know, back in “the good ole days?”

Well, I understand that we children get mighty annoying sometimes. We can be found loitering in large supermarkets and working the cash registers too. We wander the streets at night, staring in at bars that once we’re 21, we’ll think we’re too cool to enter.

For the sake of reliving stupidity, I’d like to catalog it. Here are five stupid things adults complain about teenagers doing. Like the subjects in those late night specials on 20/20. Could your thirteen year old daughter be having an affair with a creepy old man in Maine? Well, maybe.

1.) Take Meth

With so many good drugs out there, it still blows my mind that a teen would take up such a dangerous and detrimental drug such as meth. I mean, consider marijuana. In a lot of states, that drug is used as a medicine. So for teens to take meth over safer and “cooler” drugs doesn’t really make sense. But they still do it.

Adults, unfortunately, endorse this habit by selling the meth to kids. Then again, maybe kids make meth too. I’m not really an expert on its creation. But I can warn you of the signs. If your child is making straight A’s in his chemistry class, you know he has to be cooking something lethal in your basement.

2.) Get Tattoos with the names of boyfriends/girlfriends

What says “lovers forever” better than something permanent? Besides on the wall of a loo, the most romantic place to put a lover’s name is on your body. Preferably not right above your butt crack, because that place is reserved for your own name. Instead, I suggest across your forehead or maybe chest. If you really loved her, you know where you should put. Oh, you know. If you really loved her…

And I can’t tell you how many adults I see also with tattooed names. Maybe these are artifacts from their youth, a solid piece of evidence that every generation is embedded with a gene of stupidity.

3.) Use words that aren’t real

“LOL” for kids. Text words that to adults make no sense.

“Avarice” for adults. Apparently, adults like to flaunt words they learned for the SAT. Whatever that is.

4.) Take pictures of their genitals and send it to others via text

Only real amateurs go this route. “Sexting” is uber-lame and wimpy. If you really want attention, skip the manual effort of sending a candid of your penis to everyone of your contacts.

Just upload it straight to the internet. Then, everyone will be able to scrutinize your genitalia. It’s the best way to go. If a girl wants the entire school body to see her breasts, she doesn’t need to waste texts sending every guy a picture with the fake follow-up text, “Sorry, I was drunk last night- please delete that!” No, she can just streak at a football game or… let the internet champion her nudity. Facebook is perfect for this. Sexting is time-consuming and SO 2010.

But of course, adults do this too, with far larger implications. Think of what happened to poor Wiener.

Bonus, bonus points if your lover’s name is tattooed there!

5.) The Music Industry.

I’ve heard enough about how much my generation has ruined what people deem as “music.” We’ve twisted it, pumped it full of sugar, and bastardized it beyond what one could call an art. Ex: Justin Bieber, any singer jump-started by The Disney Channel. Well, mind you, teenagers are lemmings. Teenagers are fashion/trend/music zombies, praising whatever passes their ears or lips or eyes. Whatever you tell us is fantastic, we think fantastic. Tell us to buy CDs, we buy them.

Teenagers, however, do not own the Disney Channel or the music industry. We do not dole out millions for someone to roll around a stage with a wheelchair in a mermaid costume. So, I think we know whose fault this particular tidal wave of crappy music is.


Humans adopt their genes from the parents of the species and continue to grow as a species each time two adults reproduce. Stupidity is an essential nucleic acid that has been passed through our DNA since the first time a caveman played with sparks. Since young Lancelot jousted drunk. Since Leonardi Da Vinci strapped wings to his arms and leaped off the balcony.

Stupidity is inherent, so embrace it.


Harry Potter: And the Satanic Controversy

Harry Potter is a widely accepted allegory, right up there with fantasy books such as Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia. Harry Potter, however, is also known to encourage children who read the books to worship Satan and get tattoos and pierce their nipples and whatever else Satan-worshippers apparently do.

It is strange to believe that a book written for children might spark controversy, but then again, any really good book aimed at the young ignites new fires: The Catcher in the Rye, Huckleberry Finn, and nearly any
by Judy Bloom,
for example.

Harry Potter smells of Satanism, say some conservative Christians. Others claim it is a harmless children’s story at heart, with Christian morals in fact. See what’s so satanic about Harry Potter here: http://www.exposingsatanism.org/harrypotter.htm

Now, I could argue in defense of a book beloved by myself and many others, but maybe we can take a different route. Instead of analyzing what is Christian and moral and awesome about Harry Potter (namely, Harry dying to save everyone else), let’s explore the occult.

Harry Potter practices magic, a form of power usually associated with the Devil. In Divination, students strive to learn how to foresee the future, though Harry mostly just slacks off or passes out in the middle of class. With ghosts and crystal balls and objects that you can store your soul in, what isn’t a bit occult in Harry Potter?

What about Inferi, which are reanimated bodies- inspired into motion by dark magic? Or the idea of a chamber where a huge Basalisk with killer eyes lives?

My point is, if someone says that Harry Potter has traces of the occult, they’re actually right. I’m sure reading these books won’t turn kids toward witchcraft, but I must say that I did really want to become a wizard while reading them. In the fifth grade, I printed up a fake acceptance letter on parchment paper and showed it to all of my friends. No, I wouldn’t be joining them at pathetic middle school, but instead be learning how to “put a stopper in death” in Potions class. Snape sure seems nicer than some of my past teachers.

If you’d like to see what all the Demon-related fuss is about, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premieres July 15th.

I for one have been dragged down into the desires of wanting to become a wizard, and I shall don my Hogwarts robe tonight to wait outside a crowded cinema for the final adventure to begin. I hope you’ll join me.

Tea Parties are Supposed to Be Classy

I read about a great Tea Party Rally the other day which I thought would be great fun! Being of British descent, sipping hot tea with an extended pinky and eating crumpets is practically second nature.

But I found soon that they had tricked me. There was no tea to be found, but instead a horde of retirees ranting about how lazy my generation is. Fair enough, we don’t have a solid work ethic, but I thought tea parties were supposed to be classy. A black tie affair. A meeting of gentlemen and ladies. But a tea party this was not. This was political war!

The problem is the Tea Party is, you can’t just hate them. Too many people I talk to full-out despise the Tea Party, which I don’t understand. I think of them rather as very misled hardworking people. I think it’s a problem to identify yourself with any political party exclusively, but that’s a theory for another day. Right now, I’d like to discuss particularly what’s wrong with the Tea Party.

I think there’s no one better to explain who the Tea Party is than Sarah Palin: “The soul of this movement is the people—everyday Americans who grow our food and run our small businesses, and teach our kids, and fight our wars. They’re folks in small towns and cities across this great nation who saw what was happening, and they saw, and they were concerned, and they got involved. Like you, they go to town hall meetings, and they write op-eds. They run for local office.You all have the courage to stand up and speak out. You have a vision for the future—one that values conservative principles and common sense solutions. And if that sounds like you, then you probably too are feeling a bit discouraged by what you see in Washington D.C.”

The idea really sounds great: normal people giving their input to the government. Here’s where the Tea Party crosses the line. They claim to represent “the working American,” but do not represent everybody. They tack up words like “fairness” and “low taxes” into their speech, because those things sound awesome. But in practice, they cater to companies. The top 1% of the nation pays 70% of the taxes- these are movie stars and CEO’s. So, that’s unfair, says the Tea Party. But they also make 90% of all the profits in the US. The problem is, the people they’re protecting are not the working backbone of America.

Now, understand, I’m the furthest thing from a liberal. But I don’t identify with conservatives either. I think both are basically rally points to trick people in investing in the self-funding of political parties and their sponsors. And the Tea Party is a movement claiming to be deriving power from the bottom up, but instead, it’s just ridiculous.

It’s impracticable. It’s all romanticism.

They want to take more funding away from schools, and yes, I think schools severely misappropriate money sometimes, but right now, Aiken County has none to waste. Cutting programs left and right. Kids, we have no opportunities to get to college sometimes. The other day, a woman complained to me that the private schools were not getting enough funding and wondered why everyone didn’t pay to send their kids to school.

Well, that’s America, lady. Free and equal education is something our country was based on. This is where the Tea Party and I have serious disagreements. They claim that we receive too much funding, but we don’t have enough to survive. And if we don’t have educated children, we don’t have a future.

We’re sabotaging our own destiny.

It’s us, the Mad Hatter, and The Cheshire Cat shouting for the end of socialism. And in doing so, we’re overreacting. We take a lot of people who want a simple cause: to make America better. Throw in a few people who deny Obama is an American, throw in some people who can shout really loud, and suddenly we have the front that the Tea Party is a huge crazy ruckus. It doesn’t have to be. It didn’t start out this way, surely, but now it’s as much a political machine as anything else. It’s so right wing, that even republicans are sick of hearing about it.

So, those are the problems I have with the Tea Party.

But moreover… I was really, really in the mood for crumpets.

The Past is Overrated

Sure, old people are cute, but they’re right smug, too. To us youngsters, they make vague references to “the good ole days.” In fact, it’s been claimed that the best generation ever has already past, but I’m actually sure that the best generation ever must include me- so they’re wrong by default. But when you get right down to it, the past is overrated. Completely romanticized. Sure, some people may think that before the I-pod, those were “simpler times.” But you know what I think? I think watching HD movies anywhere on a tiny handheld device is pretty simple.

I wouldn’t be bragging to some kid with a Mustang about work ethic: about walking five miles up hill both ways to get to school. He’ll just shrug and ask why you made the effort. Maybe I’m a teensy bit jealous of the sixties- a sexual revolution on LSD sounds pretty great. But maybe all those hippie stories are romanticized as well. I mean, they were stoned for an entire decade, so of course they had fun. Those sort of acid trip/sex orgies happen every weekend in downtown LA: it’s called a gay pride parade.

A lot of girls talk about knights in shining armor, about the death of chivalry. But knights are way overrated losers. They didn’t shower and rode around looking for the Holy Grail. They courted young women, but that’s all they did. Even if a few of them wrote a couple of love ballads while using the word “thee” too often, it’s because they had so much time on their hands. Most people were starving during those days, anyways.

The only reason we hearken back to the past is because we’re afraid of the future. We’re nostalgic out of anxiety that our frail lifestyles will soon disappear. We buy old typewriters and rehash our memories again and again. But maybe we could just enjoy having Ipods. And television. Or electricity in general.

You know what we have that some people didn’t have not too long ago, relatively? Plumbing.

Liberal arts education.

Bowling alleys.


The present, sure, definitely has its flaws, but at least we’re not all working in industrial factories from the age of four. We don’t have slavery anymore. We don’t need memories anymore or need to learn anything, because we have a collective memory called Wikipedia. You can literally buy a commercial jet pack for a few thousand dollars, which might get you to Walmart on a couple hundred dollars of jet fuel. Worth it.

Maybe imagining how great it must have been to live in a cabin in the woods, half-freezing to death every winter is not something I aspire to. Did you know, for example, that people didn’t even have bottled water? They drank it out of a WELL. They pooped outside. These days, people have toilet seats that can warm you as you poop.

At one point, some people lived without the wheel. They just hunted mammoths all day. Your grandparents may have lived through that tragedy.

Even in old age, people talk about their childhoods. Especially about their high school years. But who really wants to go back to their high school years? The further we drift from it, the more we idealize it. We patch up its mishaps and gild its features into shiny brass. So next time a rambling geriatric asks you, “Don’t you wish we lived in the good ole days?” Well, show him your I-pad. He’ll probably crap himself.

Age-ism: writing seriously at an age when everything is a joke

I’m a teenager, so I am socially allowed to indulge in those ultra-hedonist activities that teenagers engage in. Like taking pictures of myself in the mirror at two in the morning to post to Facebook. And then I’ll comment on the pictures, gradually becoming more and more self-depreciating.

“Lookin’ Hott”: Two t’s because that makes it double true.


“I like this. :P”



“I hate myself”

I also thoroughly enjoy using acronyms like LOL, and sometimes I just make them up to confuse older people. Isn’t that totally KHFBDUFBDHD? Yeah, I know, right? Hilarious… but teenagers deal with these stereotypes. Beyond that, I’m also a writer. Which makes age a huge problem, because no one takes a 17 year old seriously. They think it’s “cute you wrote a book” and suggest I “try to get self-published.” As if that is something you TRY to do??

Not only do people suppose that I text while I drive, but also write very immature drivel. They suppose I write fantasy voraciously, attempting to make the “next Harry Potter or Twilight.” Or that I write long memoirs about my personal problems in high school, being as sappy as possible, though feeling guilty. So then I’ll change all the names and call it “fiction.” But really “Yvonne,” you know who you are. We both know.

So I just don’t mention it. It’s not something people need to know in queries, because it’s not something people expect. Call this my jumping block. Call this my college tuition. Call this whatever, because I intend to start young and I don’t care if you’re sixty years old, I can still write. And no, I don’t want to publish e-books to amazon. No, I’m not writing a grieving, elongated love letter to any of the Jonas Brothers. Don’t encourage me “write a satire of day-to-day life in the classroom.”

Because here’s the truth: nothing happens. Your entire generation smoked and dropped acid and nothing my generation does can top that. No matter how many spitballs we manufacture, contrived nicknames we handle, or childish pranks we pull, our debauchery will never reach the same pinnacle as yours did. So, good job, but don’t think there’s anything to write about. And though there is, I don’t want to write it. You can write it. And I’m sure it will be totes-magotes SDFHDKS!!!! lol!!!!

So what’s a young author to do? Don’t stoop. Be professional. I think that if you write the best novel you can, then you will be published. Age won’t matter. Even if your book is a fiction novel that’s really a memoir that you “made” fiction by changing names and making all of the love interests various supernatural beings, it can be done if the writing is good. Write well. And the rest won’t matter.

Quote of the day (because this might be a fun thing to start): “There is no best way to prepare a human being.”