Resume For A Job You Don’t Want


2005                        B.A. in Art History, Phoenix University

2006                         A Week of Yoga Classes

Perfected the “breathing position”

Job Experience

June 2005- August 2005                              Entrepreneur

Operated and financed a local-run Lemonade Stand

  • Manufactured lemonade
  • Sold lemonade
  • Hand-painted signs

November 2010-February 2011                   Beer Brewer

Operated homemade brewery

  • Manufactured Eagle Tears Brew beer, an All-American corporation
  • Financed beer brewery from parents’ basement
  • Did I mention it’s made of Eagle Tears?

March 2011-Present                                            Couch Model

Volunteers at local Rent-a-Room modeling furniture

  • Displays how one might look laying, sitting, sleeping, standing, or dancing on couches
  • Acts out daily functions of potential couch users
  • Test-runs furniture to insure safety about damage, bullet holes, wine spills, etc.

Related Experience

September 2005-October 2010                       Sociological Research

Lived as “homeless” and “impoverished” as well as “unemployed” for sake of personal sociological research

  • Life experience
  • Educated in the “University of Harde Knocks”
  • Can carve weapons from nearly any piece of trash
  • Expert scavenger

March 1997                                                                 Grew Beard

First person in Freshman class of high school to grow facial hair


Burps ABC’s

  • Once performed for Mrs. Harris’ first grade class during recess

Can Beat Mario World 3 in Less than a Day

  • For reference, call Tommy Hulligan. He didn’t think I could do it.

Life on Earth-616: I’m No Superman… Oh Wait, Yes I Am!

Life on Earth-616 is a relatively new series for the Word Salad blog by Derek Berry, inspired by Roy Seeger’s poetry. In these blogs, Derek considers life as a superhero. Earth-616 is a reference to the version of Earth that exists in the Marvel Universe. Though Superman is not part of the Marvel canon nor is he as obscure as the comic book characters Roy writes about, here is a little perspective on his life.

Being superman may seem easy, but it’s not. I’m sure Superman has plenty of his own problems just like a normal human though of course he’s anything but “a normal human.”

For one thing, he’s basically invincible. He can also toss automobiles around like paper airplanes. Bullets ricochet off of his chest. This man is faster than a speeding train. Not just a normal train, but a speeding train. Sure, he’s also an alien whose real parents and entire species died, but how boring would that life be? To live on a world where everyone was insanely powerful and everyone could X-ray through everyone else’s clothes. Worse privacy issues than Facebook. Sure, he’s got a sob story, but really it just placed him in a world where he is the most powerful thing ever.

He is even faster than The Flash, which is sad, considering that The Flash’s only super power is to be the fastest at everything, yet even Superman excels at that.

Let’s be real. Superman has a pretty easy time on Earth, despite the onslaught of attempted evil takeovers by villains. Those are just his weekend workouts between week days writing for the Daily Planet. I suppose the only tragic thing about his life is his low-paying job as a journalist, not that he needs to even eat real human food to survive. There’s only one thing to kill him. One: kryptonite.

What? Lex Luthor has a master plan to FINALLY defeat Superman? Does it have anything to do with kryptonite? BINGO! So if Superman just destroys all of that single mineral, he would be invincible, right? That’s not even close to fair. He can survive in space, and to top it off, he doesn’t ever get recognized. Clark Kent doesn’t even bother to wear a mask, just glasses. Know why?

Superman is awesome. Everyone thinks so.

Sure, he’s the most cliche superhero ever to live with far too many powers to take seriously, but if he were a real superhero, how great would that be? He’s nigh unstoppable. So what if people recognize him? He may lose his personal life but gains fame, riches, and the eternal love of Lois Lane. Pretty great trade in for a cape, spandex, and red underwear.

So, perhaps that is Superman’s one flaw: perfection. He must live up to this amazing image of a man who cannot make mistakes, who cannot defeated, and who cannot succumb to evil. He is everything good about America and humanity. What man could possibly live up to those standards? Perhaps it is not so easy being Superman. Who else would have such integrity, to be unstoppable, have the ability to turn back time by flying around the world really fast, and be incredibly be handsome yet not want to take over the world?

Besides, because he wears his costume under his normal clothes, that cape must get pretty bunched up.

What do you think about Superman? Can we as a society even learn anything from his character or will he serve merely as “the perfect superhero?” Perhaps we will get our answer when Man of Steel is released in 2013, a fresh take on the Superman origin which will hopefully not commit the same boring atrocities as the rest of Superman film adaptations.

The Tablet Revolution

I’m writing this on the Nook tablet that I received from my awesome parents for Christmas. I felt very anxious about tablets for the longest time, wondering whether or not it would be worth owning one. Whether or not I could use it to write and read poetry.

The tablet does everything I’d like it to. I can write and edit files and even use it as a portable poetry archive. E-mail, Facebook, and Twitter apps make networking easier than ever. The tablet, however, may not completely replace my notebook which I can surreptitiously use during class, appearing as if I am taking notes. Also, I would regret forgoing the ability to translate beauty with ink.

Owning a tablet, however, makes a lot of things much easier. I always have a book on hand to read if I get blocked, I always have access to a hefty online dictionary and the best research material ever invented (the internet), and I can always jot down notes and character sketches no matter where I am.

This morning, I assured the ultimate greatness of the Tablet. As I sat before work sipping my pre-work coffee, I actively pretended to ignore that I was eavesdropping on the couple beside me. Here, everyone sits uncomfortably close, and because of this closeness, I could not write on my laptop. I began jotting down ideas and outlining on my Nook, which I can conceal. I feel strange writing while others are watching, though I usually enjoy the atmosphere of the coffee shop. And of course I enjoy coffee.

Normally, I sit, drink coffee, and work on my novel. Because of the awkwardness of penning new material before prying eyes, I usually take time to edit. And sitting in a warm place with coffee, refills only 25 cents– I can sit there all day. Today, the place bustled with unusual activity, as in every-table-is-occupied busy. So I began writing outside, but once I started making progress, I progressed inside to a newly vacant table next to Brad and Georgina.

At first I thought they were on a date, but it turns out they went to school together seven years ago. Turns out he is a fitness trainer from California obsessed with insane diets and strange trends. As he continuing talking, I realized that this materialistic, modern, crazy  guy would make a fun character. So I whipped out my Nook and started taking notes. I now have the makings of a very fun short story.

So, the tablet proved useful. I penned up an outline and no one knew any better.

Also, I downloaded the Angry Birds app and play it on the loo.

Another thing I received for Christmas was a pack of white v-neck undershirts which means now I can even sleep in v-necks. Literally no day goes v-neckless. It’s awesome.

Till next time.

Why Mario 64 Is the Best Game Ever

For weeks, all I’ve been hearing about is Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III, the third installment in the second generation of these first person shooters. I am, naturally, not all that impressed. For some reason, I don’t get a kick out of blowing up Nazi zombies with mortars or “making a head shot” or “pwning” anyone.



In fact, I can’t even play the game right, since the controls are too complicated. The one game I like to play– Mario. Yeah, that’s right. I’m that guy. I can’t play real video games, so I play Mario. And by far the best Mario game ever released was Mario 64. Oh, it has crappy graphics compared to your hi-tech virtual-reality-reproducers, well, whatever! This is why it is better than all those boring war games.

So, what’s so wrong with war video games? What inspires this hatred in Derek’s heart? First of all, I find them incredibly difficult to play. I mean, what sort of game console has that many buttons? I’m looking at you, XBox. Mario 64, though with considerably lesser graphics and older ideas, is a classic. And it’s fun. It’s not too complicated, either. You jump over blocks and gets stars and throw Bowser into bombs. The best, right?

Really, this is a post about the simple things in life. I apologize if I simply can’t stand video games that require actual school. Not to mention the strange cult following surrounding such games. These games gets played like crazy because of this cult-ish-ness. It’s the same reason good tv shows get cut while Glee stays on air. Not saying that I don’t avidly watch Glee, but that I do so because it’s… well… I’m not sure. Because there’s such an expectation for it to be, and even if it isn’t, who cares? We can wave away accusations of it sucking by saying, “Oh, it’s satire, that’s a joke,” but really what we’re watching is a poorly executed continuous musical.

If you’re wondering who is responsible for allowing such things to exist, it’s me. I support to stupid, the mundane, the pointless, the childish. And I’m not sure what makes me adore trash so much. Maybe because it’s incredibly shiny. But a glossy, sugary veneer on anything and people come running.

Cite my interests: True Blood, Glee, American Horror Story. Shiny trash. Wonderful shiny trash.

That’s not just how those war games sell.

Even my beloved Mario garners some success from public attention. People expect great video games from Mario or Call of Duty. And even when the video games makers miss the mark (cough, cough Dr. Mario), the audience doesn’t really care. They gobble up the crap and the genius alike.

So, is there maybe a formula? Produce awesome material until the audience loves it, then… taper off the awesomeness. Some authors

might do that, but not count out the exponential goodness of the Harry Potter series. But what happens when a writer produces so many books, some are bound to be bad. What about Stephen King?

I don’t read James Patterson, Nora Roberts, or John Grisham (though I did read The Firm and thought it was awesome). But I imagine that not all their books are stunners. Sure, there are quite a few that are really impressive and gripping and the rest? Well, they’re alright, I suppose. I’m not saying all their books are not awesome (as I have not read all of them), but based on the sheer output of these authors, I find it hard that every fan will like every book they write. Just like I may not enjoy every Mario game. (London Olympics, really?) Or why Call of Duty fans love Call of Duty games.

Because authors, much like video game developers, write games as part of a brand. With the trust of consumers, they both are pressured to do their best and allowed a little slack. Though brands should maybe stay awesome. Mario Galaxy 2? Yeah, it was really good. Not as great of Mario 64, but still really good. Or Chuck Palahniuk’s latest book? Not a mind-blowing masterpiece. But will I keep reading him because I believe inside of him are still plenty of great books? Sure.

So, go on, play your games. I’ll play mine and watch my addicting, trashy television (at least I don’t fuel the great Reality TV Beast). Whether you play Mario or Call of Duty, you’ll have your favorites and your not so favorites. That being said, Call of Duty has nothing on Mario. Soldiers have flamethrowers. Mario? He can shoot flame balls from his palms!